I agonize over blogs. I don’t know how to keep them fresh or interesting. I think the problem is my overthinking it. So this year’s goal is to write everyday. Not for anybody or anything. Just to keep in the practice. Just to get my stories out and maybe reduce my stress levels as well. Read or don’t, I suppose. I’ve decided I’d make a post especially for my New Years Resolutions and keep it as a featured post on my home page, so I can always be reminded to keep up with things.
I guess for starters I’ll tell you how I rang in the New Year.
At about 11pm, Martin and I were in separate rooms of the house we’ve lived in for a month now (I think it’s safe to say we’re both infinitely more happy than we were at Howson Street). I was in my office; he was in his office. I was going to read the last of Redwall before the New Year hit, and I had to start fresh. I ended up not doing that, but who’s making the rules here, really?
Instead I worked on this blog. The customization and the names and the main reason for blogging. I thought it all out.
Once I’d done that I noticed it was about 20 after 11. I grabbed some Mixed Berry Starburst gummies, a diet coke, and some Coles cinnamon scrolls and pushed the door open to Martin’s office. I sat in Joss’s old beaten up chair next to Martin who was playing Black Desert Online. I watched him slay Sausen mobs while I tore at the packaging of the Starburst. I told him I was going to start blogging for real this time.
As expected, he chuckled and said “Okay, sure.”
To be fair, I do this a lot. Start blogs. Leave them abandoned when my idea fails to stay fun for me. Others think “What a neat plan” and then I think “Yeah… but it’s no fun to do.”
So my solution? Stop worrying about if someone else wants to hear what I have to say and just say what I feel like I have to. Get my brain dumps out however I like and screw the “reader.” I guess that’s probably not going to get me anywhere… starting out with “screw the reader” but honestly. Screw. The. Reader. If you read and you have a problem with what you’ve read, you’re reading the wrong things. But writers often think instead “I’m writing the wrong things.” That’s not possible. You write what you need to write. Screw the critics.
Sorry, got off track there. *ahem*
So I told him I had all these high school nostalgia stories bubbling up from a misguided idea that I should check out everyone’s old myspaces and see which ones I can find old pictures from even though I can’t log in anymore because who even knows what my teenage brain decided was a good password. Or which email I used as I’ve used hundreds for different reasons.
I found Erin Weber’s was public, and I could look at all her old photos. So I did. I found some of my duct tape prom clothes, I cringed at the most awful hair decision of my life. I started thinking up all the nostalgic things. I thought about seeing “Thoroughly Modern Millie” at DeSales and falling in love with the student who played Jimmy. I thought about the Europe trip. I thought about Kate Sheeley breaking her ankle in two places and forever blaming me with screennames like “wishescount.” I thought about the time Alyssa Meadows caught me flipping her off (I thought she’d walked away but she was standing above/behind me on the stage), and I had to stumble through the lamest apology. I thought about how Amanda Masullo was my best friend in 1st grade, and how at graduation-sitting next to her-I mentioned that we had been best friends in 1st grade. I mentioned the Crayola factory and singing Celine Dion songs (IT’S ALL COMING BACK TO ME NAAAAAAAAAAAAOOOOOOOOWWWWWW!!) at the top of our lungs. She was shocked to learn that it must be true because how else would I know about her obsession with that song when she was younger. That or she now believes I’m psychic.
I thought about how in every picture, everyone was in groups. Everyone was having good times. I was off with some boyfriend of the hour or silently watching as everyone had these fun high school moments without me. Ashley and I were never ever not close, so I was never really alone, but I was always really sociable. I had no confidence, and I think combined with quitting marching band, it ended a lot of my friendships and my social life stopped to only include whoever I was dating at the time and Ashley.
I got by alright, and doing things this way made me the person I am now. I don’t regret it. But what I regret is my own stupidity when it came to keeping in touch with the few people other than Ashley that I really enjoyed spending time with. I held onto old grudges too hard. And that’s stupid. I should’ve sent more messages to Geena. To Katie. To Erin. To Leigh-Ann. I should’ve demanded phone numbers and actually called these people. Because phone calls are better than texts and I’d like to call people more often, I think. With texts you can use several excuses for no responses. But the phone forces you to talk. Forces you to bond where texts don’t allow for that.
I guess the MAIN focus of 2017 – for me – will be to focus on myself. Get where I need to be with my weight, my job, my life. We’ve moved into this house. We’re happier already and it’s only been a month. I don’t have to be friendless and lonely and missing America. I can have friends here. I just have to put myself out there with less fear.
So… for this New Year I raise my water jug for a toast. To 2017!
In Omnia Paratus
-Ready for Anything-